Haversome blasts SNP’s reckless NHS pay rise

Mrs Thatcher, speaking from Hell, yesterday

By Jeremy  Holby-City III – Health and well-being correspondent (North Britain)

Scotch Tory party Commander-in-Chief, Ruth Haversome, has today vented her anger at the regional North British Council Leader, Nicola Sturgeous, over what she calls “extravagant and nonsensical bonuses”, for NHS workers in the region.

Bankers

“We should be spending any extra cash on wages for bankers or hedge fund tycoons to try and tempt them from the areas just outside London” she fumed.

“We all know that people in this region already have terrible diets and like to get their ‘taps aff’ in the rare spells of sunshine that God generously bestows upon this carbuncle of the Empire. No wonder people are ill; they shouldn’t be encouraged by this Council throwing cash at the local doctors and nurses. It’s mind-boggling.  Independence!”

Kenneth Clarke

Col Haversome went on to state that if this extra funding actually turns out to have positive benefits, she will of course take all the credit. But at this moment in time she could not tell what the outcome would be.

She did however exclusively reveal some sensational details about former 90s health secretary Ken Clarke.

Séance

“Myself and the missus had Davie Mundell and his boy round the other night for tea” she said. “We had fish finger sandwiches and orange squash, and then went to the local Tesco and stole the wheels off the disabled shopping trolleys. But I digress.”

“We decided to have a séance, and were sat round the kitchen table, when my trusty Ouija board started acting up”. 

Margaret Thatcher

“It was Mrs Thatcher who had yet more ethereal wisdom to impart. She advised me that Ken Clarke had found an NHS almanac from 2018 – 2020, when he went back to the future in 1965, in which it stated that Nicola Sturgeous would give North British NHS staff a pay rise. I was flabbergasted and mind-boggled. Independence!”

Willie Winkie

North British Liberal Democrat chief scout, Willie Winkie has confirmed Col Haversomes account of events, and yesterday told us “we made a vow to the people of North Britain, and we will stand by it, and whatever Roothie says is true, so it is.” 

“It’s so nice that someone actually knows who I am.”