Ruth Haversome, yesterday
Labour’s chief ally in North Britain, Conservative and Unionist Supreme Overlord Ruth Haversome, last night reeled to deliver a stinging broadside to separatist leader Nicola Sturgeous.
Speaking to a pack hall of compliant BBC journalists, Haversome said “Nicola Sturgeous is forever talking about independence, and I say enough is enough.
Independence
“Independence is her favourite word. Independence. I say it again: independence. The Nats have a great dependence of independence, and we depend on their dependence of independence to counter their dependence on independence!
“The whole fabric of British society depends on a lack of independence. Except for London’s independence from Brussels and its dependence on North British oil and whisky revenues. Independence depends on whose dependence we’re depending on.
Independently
“So I independently say to Nicol Sturgeous enough with the independence talk! Change the record! Stop the dependence on independence and stop talking about independence! We’re sick of hearing all about independence: get on with your day job or you’ll find yourself IN the DEEP END! Erm, ence.”
Failed UK PM Gordon Brown was next wheeled into the gathering, carefully sizing up the crowd before deciding which accent to use.
“Nicola Sturgeous is forever talking about independence, and I say enough is enough” he said before a helpful minder realised he was using Davidson’s script and wheeled him back out to his portable hutch.
Bitter Together
Meanwhile Labour’s leader north of The North, Richard Lennon, was holding a press conference of his own as the Bitter Together campaign started slowly reassembling back under the Tory banner.
Speaking to a gathering of Daily Mail, Daily Express, Hootsmon, Herald and Sunday Post journalists, he said:
“Eh up! As the token Englishman in the room, I’m here to tell you all about the racism I face day in day out at the hands of the Cybernats. Erm, not the British ones, but the Jock ones. You now: them.
Scotch
“Criticising my lack of leadership, appalling interviews, scripted speeches and general incompetence is pure racism. Would they have done the same to any of my Scotch predecessors? Dugschit? Murphy? Curran? Her from the Krankies?
“Well probably, but that’s because they have no class. Why, when I were a lad…” At this point his phone rang and a short discussion ensued.
Cereal
A sheepish looking Lennon then returned to the gathering and quietly announced the end of the conference. “That were Ruth. She said I’ve to come home and eat me cereal.”
The trial before Lord Hee-Haw continues.
Daily Rancid 